What I Learned from the Dog and the Skunk
May 21st, 2021 by admin
One of the most valuable lessons I learned about being a lawyer I learned before I started law school.
I worked as a runner for a law firm in college. One of the lawyers was particularly bright, and he was well regarded for his intellect. He had graduated number one in his class at a top ten law school. And he had the ego to go along with it.
He was not well liked by the staff at all, and for good reason. His considerable skill set and intellect generally caused clients to overlook some of his abrupt and dismissive ways, although the staff had to live with it daily. But toward the end of my time with the firm the word was some key clients had come to the end of the road of understanding about his nasty habit of talking down to people.
It is not in the nature of most of us to be purposely condescending, although any one of us may be having a bad day for whatever reason, our emotional trigger is tripped, and a burst of condescension comes roaring out. But over time we all need to learn that condescension, however unintended and situational, is condescension all the same.
Years ago, our firm had a client who blamed everybody else for their problems. As the lawyer in charge, our staff and I had charted out a course that would have taken the client beyond the reach of those problems, but the client simply failed to follow through. We had spent a considerable amount of time and effort, and done some pretty good lawyering, too. All of which was going to be lost.
Despite my strong belief that a harsh attitude toward others is not acceptable behavior, the confluence of certain events tripped my trigger. And I violated my own fundamental rule.
We had a session which started out with the client’s normal litany of excuses about how everyone else was at fault. But other events of the day primed my proverbial pump a bit, which did not help the situation. (Such as backed-up traffic, which put me, a be-on-time “A” type, behind at the beginning of the day. You know, important stuff.)
Rather than focusing on a solution for our client, I took the occasion to address the client’s attitude. The substance of my comments was appropriate to a degree. But I should have avoided the sharpness of my comments.
In the end, everything I said was correct, but I am sure I did not hear the tone of my voice. (This is where the chance of condescension may have drifted in.) But whatever the causes, I sure could have handled it better.
The client listened, but it would have been obvious to anyone (except me) that what I said was not well received, to put it mildly. The substance, but more than that, the way I said it.
We sent the client on their way. The client was never going to do what the client needed to do. But with reflection, I came to believe that all my good lawyer judgment had been trumped by my poor people judgment.
We all know the old saw that for every satisfied client who tells one other person something good about you, the unsatisfied client will tell ten people something bad about you. Whether what they say is true or not is immaterial. You are not there to defend yourself, and your thrashing is likely taken as the truth.
There is no telling how many thrashings I have gotten from that former client over the years. And I could have avoided them if I had given the client the sound advice she needed to hear, but not in such a dismissive fashion.
“A dog can whip a skunk, but it’s not worth it,” says some old country wisdom, which travels well in the city, too. Just because you can press an advantage in a relationship does not mean you should.
When you are a person of education, intelligence, or authority, or you possess some other distinct advantage of status in a situation, as you will often have, you really must stay on your guard not to press that advantage in a way that denigrates or diminishes another person. The fact it comes in a quick flash of emotion, you are in a bad mood for some other reason, or it is not in your normal nature does not really change the result, does it?
My wise father used to say you should see everyone at eye level. You do not look up to anyone in jealousy, but you sure don’t look down on anyone, either.
Tone is an intangible factor in life, and part of the challenge is how we can be on guard to hear, internally, it coming. All your skills, likability, and other qualities which enhance your reputation can be compromised very quickly. Like that smart lawyer I observed in my college days so long ago.
So, be on guard, and on the lookout, too, for Tone.
What I’ve learned about life on the way to the courthouse is this: treat everyone with respect. Do not abuse your position of authority. When your personal hot button is hit, you are tired, out of sorts, or you are having a bad day, watch yourself. A dog can sure whip the skunk most times. But it’s not worth it. Take it from a dog who knows.
Posted in: On the Way to the Courthouse