A Taxing Point of View
June 8th, 2022 by admin
THE CONVERSATION with this young attorney was taxing to say the least.
He was well-educated, with a lot going for him. He had a master’s degree in tax law and a solid academic record. He was a good-looking kid with an engaging presence. At least when he would stop complaining.
He had run through associate’s positions with three fine firms, opportunities many young attorneys would have loved to have had. They just didn’t work out. None of that was his fault, of course. He recited a long litany of firms, people, and circumstances which had done him in.
One did not have to hear much of his narrative to see he had no reflection about what he might have done differently, or how he could grow from an unhappy experience to see more clearly how his attitude may have contributed to the poor results. Personal accountability, I think they call it.
A SURVEY SHOWS that unhappy people spend more than twice as much time thinking about unpleasant events in their lives while happy people tend to think and rely upon information that brightens their personal outlook. And as one among many of those reading this whose job is to listen to people’s tales of woe from time to time, there is sometimes little self-reflection in these narratives about how they might have handled some of these circumstances better.
There is no job in existence which does not have its failings. And no life is so great that it does not have some challenges. If you think that what you do, the money you make, or the status you have will clear all that up, you are mistaken. But if you ignore the good and you focus only on the challenges without some personal accountability of your own actions, you are going to have a rough go of it.
One of the great long-term advantages and enduring anchoring lines of the Great Depression is those who went through it kept a steady hold on their memories of their days of want even when their lives got materially better. It helped to buffer any attitude of ingratitude because they remembered very well when times were much harder. So they did not spend any time in those difficult days complaining, and they took nothing for granted.
But they worried about their children and their days of a better life filled with opportunity. Which is why many parents who went through those times tried to make sure their children appreciated their opportunities, and that their children should spend little or no time blaming others for any bad results. Taking responsibility for your own actions was a core value, taught by tough love. You did not spend any time looking for a fall guy, despite the challenges before you.
One of life’s hardest teaching lessons is that you must claim your challenges and address what you could have and should have done better. But sometimes society, now mostly beyond the long shadow of the Great Depression, is too quick to give us a scapegoat, something or some ones on whom to blame our challenges.
SOME YEARS AGO the law profession, through the auspices of the North Carolina Bar Association, addressed the recurring challenge of parties in civil litigation waiting until they were at the courthouse steps before they seriously addressed a resolution. I was privileged as a young attorney to be asked to serve on that committee, headed by the chief justice of our state’s Supreme Court. It resulted in time in legislation enacted in our state to require in nearly all circumstances parties to mediate their dispute BEFORE it could be set for trial. Now, 75-80% of all civil cases are resolved in mediation, avoiding so much angst among the parties, and the savings of untold dollars in litigation costs.
Why does it work so effectively? Seasoned trial attorneys and experienced mediators tell us it is because parties are required, by the intervention of a neutral mediator to call the proverbial balls and strikes, to face squarely the weaknesses in their points of view. A solid objective sight line to help parties see more clearly what they really need to see, and especially their contributing actions.
Literature, movies and even comedians hint at the accountability challenge from time to time, a sometimes-unheard warning horn of the coming storm, which one pundit creatively called Blamism.
Lewis Grizzard told with relish the joke about the son who had not done his homework. When his mother asked him about it, he said the dog ate it. When he was reminded they did not have a dog, the son replied: “That’s my story and I am sticking to it.”
Which sounds fantastical until we remember some of the whoppers which millions of otherwise credible people believe with absolute assurance to this day are true. “Blind spot” stocks seem to be growth stocks these days.
I think this is what happened to that talented young attorney, and what happens to any number of other people. They find a narrative which works for them, and they seemingly wipe their hands of any personal responsibility for a recurring outcome. Which is a challenging and troublesome narrative which finds its way into other venues of our life. When in fact the troubling conclusion of that old Pogo comic strip: “We have met the enemy, and he is us,” is a big part of the answer.
In the recent celebrated novel, “Hillbilly Elegy,” later made into a successful movie, the author chronicles his rise from poverty on the edge of Appalachia in Kentucky and southern Ohio to great success. He knew the victim mentality from his irresponsible parents, until he moved in with his grandparents, products themselves of the Great Depression. They helped to anchor him in tough love and the importance of taking responsibility. He broke free from the limiting blaming attitude to get an education and to run a successful business, well beyond the reach of a limiting victim mentality.
You do not have to live on the edge of poverty to develop a victim’s mentality. We are often quick to teach a lesson which blames our circumstances on others in which we can take our pick on who the others of the moment may be, rather than claiming responsibility for our own actions. Many of us have gone from a claim it generation to a blame it generation rather quickly. Which was decidedly the concern of the successful father for his children of whom the poet, Robert Frost, wrote: “Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.”
DOES LUCK HAVE A PART IN ALL OF THIS? Not likely on a recurring basis, although from time to time the so-called “unluck of the draw” enters into life’s equation. But as Liam Neeson, an actor who just made his 100th film and who started from nothing, said recently, “You create your own luck. It’s not gonna come to you.” As all seasoned veterans of life’s ups and downs will tell you, Dame Chance favors those who call objectively their own balls and strikes in life and adjust their attitudes accordingly.
We have a lot of required warnings on consumer products which warn us of toxic components in some of those products if they are taken in excessive quantities. Like you, I enjoy a good griping session every now and then. But we should program in on our internal software program a recurring warning: Excessive quantities are dangerous to our health and happiness.
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED about life on the way to the courthouse is this: You really ought to stop and listen to your life’s narrative. If you find that the story gravitates to the negatively skewed view of things, or you review challenging experiences over and over in your mind’s eye in search of someone else to blame, you are never going to get much good out of life. Despite your many strengths and talents, sometimes you need to take the scuff with the shine about your attitude and past actions and own up to your part of a poor result.
It is important to keep a sight line which avoids an attitude which leans toward blaming your problems or circumstances on someone else. There is no figurative dog that ate your homework excuse which is going to help you in the long run, despite the allure of a simple explanation that pins your woes on something else. Because the dog in this narrative could be you.
A claim it not blame it attitude got your parents and grandparents through harder times, and it is likely part of the answer to the thoughtful concern of the successful father of whom Robert Frost wrote. But you don’t have to be a poet to see that. Do you?
A healthy traveling companion in life is that question good parents ask their children when their children must deal with a challenging matter: what could You have done differently? If you deal with that question frankly and claim your own actions, unlike that talented attorney with whom I met, a lot of the hard work to success in life going forward is downhill.
Mike Wells
Posted in: On the Way to the Courthouse